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For some reason I
keep getting invited to parties.
Except by "getting invited to parties" I mean "managing to keep up the
guise that I
was actually invited to this party. Hey let go of me!"
Not to brag, but in my four years of college, I've been invited to an
absurd number
of parties (four). While I've enjoyed myself at each of these parties,
there was always
at least one fatal flaw preventing it from being the "perfect party."
There was always
some stupid error made by the host that left me standing in the corner
saying "Smooth
move ex-lax" before taking a sip of my Zima and high-fiving, well,
nobody.
With all of this party experience, I've pretty much learned how to
throw the perfect party.
I'm probably not going to do it, though, because I'm so rock and roll.
But assuming I
would actually get my hands dirty and throw a party, it would go
something like this:
1. I'd come up with a neat theme: Every organized party I've been to
has had some
theme. This is usually the first mistake. Popular themes these days are
"Dress like
the '80s!" and "Insane Toga Action" and "OMG it's the '80s!" Because 50
percent of
party attendees (males) generally don't care, they usually wait until
the last minute to
scrounge up a costume. I'm assuming this is the case and that the
Greeks or Romans
or whatever didn't actually wear stained Star Wars bedsheets. My theme
would be
something like "Dress like your favorite presidential assassin" or
"Pretend you're a
robot who was turned to a human—now pick out an outfit." Or simply
"Bum."
2. I wouldn't be a big baby about everything: I wouldn't be a big baby
about everything.
We've all been to a party where the following has happened:
"Mmm. This soda is really good, but it's a little warm. I think I'll
get some ice," you
creepily narrated to yourself before heading over to the refrigerator.
"What are you doing!?" said the host of the party.
"Getting ice," was your swift retort.
"NO! Your ice is in that
dirty ice chest! Your ice is
in fist-sized chunks in that big wet
plastic bag in the dirty ice
chest! Sure each chunk takes up the entire space of the cup,
but you must use this ice. Not that ice. Why do you think I bought ice? Use the ice
I bought, not the ice I made
for free."
"K," is usually what you'd reply. But then you'd sneak some of their
ice anyway to see
what the big deal was.
I also wouldn't go all Danny Tanner on everybody when they're on the
brink of setting a
glass down on a coffee table without using a coaster. I'd be all: "It's
awesome that you
found a spot to place your drink that's not covered in people making
out at my kickass
party. Rock and roll."
3. Documentation: I've been to my share of sorority functions, and I
think it proper to
steal their idea of hiring a sad girl with a digital camera to walk
around and take
everyone's picture. I'd pay her handsomely (in something like ice from
my personal
stash) and encourage her to be rude to my guests and take embarrassing
photos of
them in compromising situations. I would later post them on the
Internet. Or rather
not post them on
the Internet, pending on how much they're willing to pay me.
Since I've entered college, I haven't been able to take a photograph
with friends
without at least one beer bottle or cup scribbled with pink symbols
trying to get into
the shot. We're all impressed that you can smile and hold a bottle
simultaneously,
but these ruin pictures, and I will not tolerate it at my party. My
hired emo photographer
will be instructed to delete all of these photos before my hired
security (Mario Lopez)
deletes you from the premises.
4. Winding down: When I feel the party has reached its zenith, I'll
start to subtly yawn
and look at my wrist every five minutes and say things like "Boy it's
sure getting late."
I'll time it to where the iTunes playlist will begin playing
undesirable music from artists
like Coolio, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and Lou Bega.
Also, I predict around this time my friend Rodney would come home from
vacation and
say "What the hell are all of you people doing in my house!?"
I'd then look at the camera and scream "Run for it!" while the Benny
Hill theme plays.
©2005 Tim Landry
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