Last Saturday I woke up and burned a CD—so I essentially
accomplished twice as much as I expected to for the whole weekend.

This recent burst in productivity is a direct result of my busted
Philips HDTV set that I've been whining about for the some time now. I
don't really watch that much television to begin with, but when I
don't have one I really miss seeing O'Reilly's chins.

As I showered this morning, I got some thinking done. First it was
"God, this soap's hairy." Then I started to consider where I plan to
take my life, as I'm graduating in December. But then I got depressed
and decided to change the subject with myself. The new topic? How
ridiculously awesome the TBS Superstation is.

The reason I love TBS so much is that it really shouldn't continue to
exist when you consider what kind of programming it has. It reminds me
of when I was a toddler and in daycare. The "teacher" would put on the
same tape containing "Dino Riders" and USA Cartoon Express reruns of
the "Shirt Tales." TBS has taken this method, but replaced "Snorks"
and "Heathcliff" reruns with the occasional "Six Straight Hours of
Seinfeld." Even Jerry Seinfeld doesn't spend that much time with Jerry
Seinfeld.

To me, TBS is like a confused college student who's hosting a party
for the first time. He's not really sure of what kinds of snacks to
put out there for guests and he's running all over the place to make
sure every guest is satisfied, no matter how ridiculous the party's
theme is. Also he makes sure that nobody leaves the bedroom door open
because the cat will pee on everyone's jackets.

Here's my impression of TBS enticing potential viewers.

   TBS: Hey guys. Who wants to watch 48 consecutive episodes of 
           "Everybody Loves Raymond?"
   Viewers: 48? Well, I, uh—
   TBS: After that's done, we can watch a bunch of episodes of
           "Friends." Then we'll kick off our only original program, which
           stars Pauly Shore.
   Viewers: What?

How the hell does this station sell ads? The schedule lineup would not
suggest that TBS is shooting for any particular demographic. When a
network bases its entire lineup on reruns and crap movies, it should
at least have some kitsch to it. While Nick at Nite has "Classic TV"
from, like, the '60s and '70s, TBS airs the same 13 "Family Guy"
episodes from a couple of months ago. Then add a dash of Tim Allen to
the recipe and get really confused.

One of my favorite TBS-isms is its Saturday movies. TBS always airs
movies at the sleepiest time of day and interrupts it with 1,200
commercial breaks. This makes watching "The Beastmaster" a seven-hour
commitment. And it always follows 74 consecutive hours of baseball,
which, apparently is always in season. I guarantee everyone has at
least one regular TBS movie they've never seen all the way through. I,
for example, kept catching only half of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
between eighth grade and last year. I'd always start watching the
thing during the parade sequence and had no idea what the hell was
going on. Then I'd fall asleep and wake up three hours later just in
time to catch the last 12 minutes of "The Burbs."

Something that will always hold a special place in my heart is
old-school TBS's time schedule. For example, while CBS, NBC and those
other suckers would air shows at 6:30, TBS would air its junk at 6:35.

Why?

I always assumed it was either a genius marketing ploy or a huge gaffe
from day one. It'd be reasonable to assume the creative minds behind
TBS figured that four minutes into a TV show on a normal network
there'd be a commercial break. People (men) unsure of commitment would
switch to TBS knowing that this station's programs are just starting.

I like to believe it was due to a giant error, though. Mostly because
I like to imagine Ted Turner waking up 10 minutes before the original
TBS launch.

"Wah wah wah! I'm late!" he'd scream, jumping out of his bed, which is
made out of $1,000 bills and bald eagle feathers.

I picture him sliding down a banister in his robe and slippers while
attempting to put a sport jacket on over the robe.

Then, I imagine, he pulled a giant red lever exactly five minutes
later than scheduled. And 4,000,000 showings of "Bloodsport" later, TV
history remains intact.

 ©2005 Tim Landry