|
People who bathe
are generally more liked
than people who do not.
It's a fact of life that
I learned to deal with at an early age. Fortunately I
was a child
who liked bathing because it afforded me such benefits as:
1.
Being invited to parties, 2. Playing "humanoid sea monster" and 3.
Being
clean enough to wear my Super Mario underwear for an extra
day
or two.
I still make a habit of
bathing fairly regularly today. Back then, however, I
didn't have
much of a choice between taking a bath or a shower. Back
then, I was
about 2'4" tall. Because of this, I, like most high school seniors,
couldn't reach the shower "massager" and change it from its
violent "LAPD
Arrest" setting. I was stuck with the bath.
Even today it's a tossup
on which I choose. I sometimes spend hours standing
with my dirty
(right) hand stroking my even dirtier chin, contemplating my
decision
while overlooking the soap scum national park I like to call my
tub.
I decided to weigh in the
opponents and decide once and for all, which is better.
This
clash of titans will be known as "Showers vs Baths" because there's
really
no clearer way to say that.
The following are the
categories and how each stacks up.
Quickness - As the
stereotypical American college student, time is never on my
side. It's
almost as though it just keeps on slippin'. Slippin', like, into the
future.
The shower has an obvious advantage here. I've had an
apartment full of friends
time me once. I can take a shower in under five
minutes. Sure, in the morning
my primary thought is "mmmprfffg" rather
than "wash butt," which slows the
process. But either way, it's faster
than filling the tub. Point, shower.
Laziness - If you're
still reading this, this category probably doesn't apply to you.
Laziness is a very important to me. Baths take this category, no
contest. I can't
explain how proud I am of Alexander Graham Bath, or whoever
invented the bath.
The point of a bath is to lie down. It's like my
bed except clean and not as wet.
Laying down is far superior to standing
up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to
figure out baths
completely obliterate showers in this category.
Manliness - Ouch. But
shower makes a comeback. It's pretty much impossible
to take a
manly bath, even if Megadeath is playing on a stereo somewhere near.
Actually, especially if Megadeath is playing on a stereo somewhere
near.
Showers
are far more manly because they lift weights more.
Cleanliness - Unless
you're showering in Angola State Penitentiary (and hey, who
isn't?)
odds are you'll get the same amount of clean from a bath as you would
a
shower. You may have heard rumors that bathing is not as clean
as showering
because "you're soaking in your own filth," but this is
not true. You're forgetting one
key element: soap. Soap is made from
stuff like whale fat and spider monkeys or
something. Because of its
presence, every bacterium in the room curses
and soils itself (which,
by the way, the soap then cleans). Tie.
Peripherals/Perks -
Again, a tie. Both bathing and showering allow the user to have
extra
perks one cannot enjoy with the other. The shower makes use of such
features as "the shower rack," which one cannot reach if he is
taking a bath. But
then if you take a shower, you're guaranteed to miss
out on the bubble bath. But
then it's very unlikely that you're ever
going to take a bubble bath unless you're
engaging in a romantic
encounter or are a kid. Or a very very illegal combination
of the two.
As we tally the results,
I think it's easy to see which comes out ahead: the bower.
A
combination of the bath and the shower.
The bower is the most
common form of bathing I use. During a bower, I turn on
the shower head,
yet sit in the tub. I plug up the drain (usually with hair) and
let
the water slowly fill. If I feel it's becoming too much of a
bath, I pull out the hair
and drain water. This way I have everything.
Except, you know, that
feeling of self satisfaction that comes with being a
legitimate
writer. I still don't really know how to get that.
©2004
Tim Landry
|
