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I have the best ideas for movies ever, so I hope some
hot-shot Hollywood director/producer takes a break from his afternoon
blow binge to pay attention
to this random Louisiana university column he's probably reading over a
bagel.
My first movie would be titled "Absurd Action Movie" and would pretty
much
embody everything the title says. As you might guess, the movie would
provide absurd action with no stupid time-wasting filler like love or a
plot.
The movie would have to start out with some character development, I
guess. There would be this guy named Todd McBadass. Todd is German
and has an eye patch and a facial scar. It would start out with him
peeing
in a public restroom on the 40th floor of a building when some street
toughs walk in. For no reason, they would bar the door with a big
block of wood that doesn't fit the scene and say something like "I
want to fight you so hard."
Then there'd be a closeup of Todd's gritting teeth (all of which are
gold) before an absurd action scene begins.
Todd would press a button on his giant belt buckle (which has a
picture of a peace symbol...smoking a joint) and his motorcycle would
crash through the wall, instantly killing the punks.
"You are not fighting me with worthy," would be Todd's one line. He'd
then ride off into the sunset and the actual movie would start. This
is the last time we see Todd for the rest of the film.
This movie would work because it would take stereotypes of action
movies and roll them all into one horrible 90-minute Tim joke. It
would sell because indie movie geeks would praise it for being so
satirical, while action movie buffs would praise it for its heavy
content of fire and boobs.
The movie doesn't even need a script, really, because there will be
so many well-timed explosions.
Take, for instance, one scene I have in mind in which this guy named
Drake has to stop a school bus from exploding. While running after the
bus through the streets of New York, he sees a terrorist riding a
horse. Drake punches the horse and the terrorist's head explodes.
"Your head asplode," would be Drake's one-liner.
And this is only the beginning of the scene. Drake somehow runs fast
enough to catch the bus only to find that no children are on board.
It was a trap, and suddenly Drake's surfing on a school bus that's
heading straight for a boulder on Wall Street.
Out of nowhere, a rocket flies and hits the bus's engine, causing it
to flip over frontways. This
launches Drake into a swimming pool on
the fourth floor of a high-class hotel.
"Sorry I'm late," he would say to classy ball attendees in tuxedos.
"I had a bus to catch."
But then he'd ruin quip by adding: "Then it exploded."
I'd win so many awards for my movie that I wouldn't even care to show
up at the Oscars. I'd probably just stay home and play GameCube. In
fact, I'd let Bill Murray accept my Oscars for me so he'd stop crying
over his little "Lost in Translation" loser-fest from last year.
After establishing myself on the action movie scene, I'd probably
switch to drama. I have this other idea for a movie called "Some Dudes
Hanging Out."
The movie would star Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, The
Rock and John Stamos. The movie would start out in a bar with Depp and
Pitt (whose characters would be named Cliff and Guy respectively)
talking about who can drink more Captain Morgan. Johnny Knoxville
(Johnny in the movie) would be playing pool (which they'd refer to as
"billiards") with The Rock (Dwayne) and they'd get in a fight over
something Jackassy that Knoxville said.
Naturally, Pitt and Depp would break up the fight and the cops would
raid.
The camera would zoom in on guest star D.J. Qualls (from "The New
Guy" and "Road Trip") who would scream "Run for it!" while "Flight of
the Bumblebee" plays.
John Stamos would drive by the bar in his 1967 Mercury Cougar and
pick up the guys, sans Qualls.
The rest of the movie would consist of the cast doing fun things like
crashing parties and streaking through college campuses. They'd
constantly have bottles of alcohol in their hands (Not rubbing.
Drinking.) and would get really "toe up." Ultimately, however, they'd
learn more than they ever expected about each other—and about life.
This would originally have a theatrical release, but the DVD would
have cool features like "Dude Vision" which would have clips of
behind-the-scenes stuff like Knoxville playing gags on a sleeping The
Rock.
©2005 Tim Landry
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