I originally majored in advertising because: 1. I figured I had the suaveness
and direction to sell products to mass audiences, 2. I consider myself at least
marginally creative and 3. I walked into the wrong building.

In the tradition of Full House, I wanted to buddy up with a friend (I had John
Stamos in mind) and form a creative duo that would ultimately come up with
some of the most impressive national pieces in the history of television
advertising.

Either that or work on local commercials. That way I could throw all creativity
out the window and focus on filming grown men in stupid outfits yelling while
Windows 3.1 screensaver-style graphics move around.

Seriously, what is wrong with local commercials? Are localized advertising
agents purposefully making these things look absurd? Or do business owners
watch a completed video of a potential commercial and say "No, no, no this is
all wrong! I need more hot pink fireworks and rap music from four years ago!"

I will admit, however, that the crappiness DOES contribute to my remembering
the product. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll ever have faith enough to patronize a car
dealership run by a genie.

The thing is that EVERYONE makes fun of these commercials and knows
they're crap. I can't imagine being the wife of the owner of a prominent rent-to-own
center. The businessman would come home and show me his latest commercial feat--even HOTTER pink fireworks coming from his washer/dryer set. My reaction
would probably be “Holy crap! I'm suddenly a married woman!” Then I'm sure I'd
deal with my situation and stifle laughter long enough to say “Wow, those hot pink fireworks sure put your admittedly amazing Austin Powers impression from your
last commercial to shame.”

If I were a local advertiser, my work would put the other local ads to shame.
Literally. How many times have you watched a Coca-Cola commercial make
fun of a Pepsi commercial? You know the type. A Coca-Cola truck driver might,
for example, go into a café and sit next to a Pepsi truck driver. The Coca-Cola
driver would say “Hey, what's that?” while pointing to the Pepsi driver's chest.
The Pepsi driver would look down and the Coca-Cola driver would stick him with
an AIDS-infected needle or something.

My commercials would be similar. I'd have a car dealer in a tuxedo saying
something like "Look. I sell cars. I can't make hot pink fireworks come out of my
'87 Geo Metros. Also, I don't have hot local college girls play the role of 'generic
hot college girl.' Did I mention I sell cars at reasonable prices?" He would do all
this in a British accent because, let's face it, that automatically makes you
credible.

I think the content of current local commercials are also kinda limited from the
drawing board. Why make a commercial that says "buy this 1991 Toyota whatever"
or "This used waterbed." How the hell are you supposed to replay this commercial? Assuming your ad does work and you sell the aquatic mattress the next day,
then you're screwed because you wasted all that money on an ad you are only
able to air once.

I think these ads should be more broad. They should say something like "We
just got an awesome car in. I'm not even going to say what it is because this
car is so absurdly kickass. But trust me on this one and come in and look at it."

Of course, this broad-style commercial can show its age. For example, who hasn't
seen the commercial of the house whose animated foundation at the bottom right
corner increasingly breaks with a funny "CRUNCH" sound. I did some research and
this commercial has been in circulation since 1744. The least they could do is
update the style of the house to match 1922 standards.

Anyway, local advertisers take heed. If you need to contact me for ideas, I'll be
launching pink fireworks out of my truck, which will be resting on top of a mobile
home directly ACROSSSS from Target.

©2004 Tim Landry