I was raised on retarded dogs.

This much is obvious. But recently I 've entered a realm I swore never
to enter. And I'm about to do something I swore I'd never do. I got a
cat. More specifically, I got a kitten. A really annoying, stupid
kitten. And I'm about to write about it.

First, the apology. I hate when people write/tell stories about cats.
Awesome writers like me tend to draw from personal experiences in
their lives to eloquently write stories containing nouns or whatever.
Unfortunately I can only write about Tetris and celibacy so much, so
I'm about to dig into what has basically overwhelmed my life lately.

A few weeks ago, my roommate and I went to Super 1 Foods to get some
cheap weiners. After that, we entered the store and bought some
reasonably priced frankfurters. While driving back, and apparently
high on processed meat, we decided to show some sympathy when we
saw a sign that read "Free Kittens. Victims of Katrina etc omg" on the side
of the road.

Cut to 25 minutes later. We were happily playing with a kitten I
dubbed "Parker," a shy orange and white kitten who mewed occasionally.
If ever he'd get into the garbage (i.e. if he walked through the
middle of the living room), I'd casually reprimand him with a sweet
"No, Parker. Do not eat paper towels." Then he'd look up at me and mew
and I'd buy him a Bentley.

Cut to four weeks later. I'm running naked and wet through the living
room picking up DVDs that used to be on a rack and research papers
that used to not have shit on them. Well, none aside from what I had
written on them.

"PARKER, STOP!" is the phrase I've yelled most in the past month, just
beating out "CHICKEN FRIES!" and "GHOST DAD!" And I'm seriously about
to go bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S) from how ridiculous my life has become.

About a week ago, for example, I had the day off. Parker started
meowing at 8 a.m., demanding something trivial like food or affection.
It was nonstop and it was the word "meow" in the purest, most
onomatopoeia-y sense. I was extremely annoyed, and even covering my
head with the sheet I have left on my bed did nothing. I flung open my
bedroom door and shouted "What? What!?" In reply he licked himself,
clawed my ankle and ran into my closet to pee.

"Paarrrkkkeerrrr!!" I yelled, furiously, pumping my fists. Then I kinda giggled,
realizing I probably sounded a lot like Spider-Man's editor for a second. But
then I continued being angry.

Later that day I decided to get my revenge. I was up early, so I actually got
some stuff accomplished that morning. I came home at noon
to find Parker asleep on the couch. I guess s***ting all over the
walls tends to wear one out. I slowly crept up to him and held him
down and started frantically mewing in his face.

"Mew! Mew! Mew!" I said, holding his tiny paws over his head. "How do
you like this!? Huh!? Feed me! I need 12 meals a day! Mew!"
It was at this point, for comedy's sake, that I wish I would have
heard a throat being cleared behind me. It'd be someone who,
comically, really shouldn't have witnessed the situation. Like a guy
from PETA who spoke to me the day before regarding some high-paying,
freelance job.

"This is an outrage!" he'd shout, adjusting his monocle, even though
nobody wears those anymore.

As I look at all the scratches on my hand, I don't really regret
getting back at an animal. I consider my reactions to my cat
essentially being a cat to be fairly rational. For example, today I
was taking a bath and the cat kept meowing to get into the bathroom. I
was trying to relax but he was really ruining the experience for me,
as that's his job. So after 15 straight minutes of meowing, I got out
of the tub opened the door and said "What!? You're in! What do you
want to do? Shave? Apply moisturizer?" He responded like he usually
does. After I stopped the bleeding, I threw him in the bathtub, which
was full of dirty Tim water.

I don't know if you've ever thrown a cat into a bathtub, but I honestly can
say, with no exaggeration whatsoever, that this turned out to be the single
most gratifying moment of my life.

 ©2005 Tim Landry