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I plan on getting married one day, so it's probably not too
wise that
I'm about to admit that I've been reading a lot of comic books lately.
I figure this is fine, though, because Seth from the O.C. reads comic
books pretty often, and he's considered a cutie. Not that I watch the
O.C. Or know who Seth is. And that he just got back together with
Summer.
But as I was saying, I've been reading them a lot lately. I mean I
used to read them fairly regularly, but kinda grew out of that back
when I was like 21. In those few months, the only time I read comics
was in newspapers and on chewing gum strips. But it's pretty easy to
get sick of reading about "Cathy's" latest bout with bathing suits and
chocolate, or something. And as amazing a character as Bazooka Joe's
"Mort" is, puns aren't funny even with a red sweater is pulled over
your mouth. If it had been boxer-briefs, it'd be a little funnier.
Because, you know. Underwear.
As I thumbed through a recent Spider-man issue, I started wondering
why it is that superheros in general are so appealing. I mean, they're
pretty much just mysterious, ripply guys in tight, elaborate
color-coordinated costumes. And yet there's still not a comic about my
uncle Kenneth.
Then I realized, for me at least, it's more how the superheroes are
treated, rather than their absurd abilities.
If you talk to some of my less-awesome friends, they'll probably tell
you I like attention. Then I'll shove them out of the way and talk to
some hottie in a bar. To an extent I'll admit they may be right, but
I'll definitely admit this aspect of being a superhero is the most
appealing. Sure it'd be great to be able to bend steel or deflect
bullets with your wrists (both very practical abilities), but think
about the popularity. I'm talking senior-class president level here.
People who love superheroes are all like, "Oh, Superman, bend this."
Or, "Oh, Aquaman, swim over there." Then they'll pose for a picture
where the hero pretends to get pantsed by the little boy or something
equally demeaning. And these are the people who love them. Consider
how much more thought goes into hating a superhero.
Think about how considerate super villains are. I say that because
the villains tend to go to such great lengths to see that the hero
dies in an elaborate, memorable way, rather than falling off the
toilet. I've never pissed off a friend so much that I woke up one
morning in a giant jar. Or strapped to a conveyor belt in front of a
saw. Though, one time this guy flicked my ear.
But then such attention kinda spawns from hatred garnered over years
of having annoying things done to you, I guess. Constantly being sent
to federal prison probably gets old after a while. I can be pretty
annoying when I have the remote, for example, but I can honestly say
I've never sent someone to the slammer. Not since turning 18 at least.
Superheroes do really annoying things like stop villains from robbing
banks and stuff. I think the angriest anyone's ever been at me was
when I forgot to repay a friend the $3 he loaned me to get into a bar.
Which isn't really much of a reason to get angry at me, considering on
the same night I also purposefully gave him Lepus.
Except for the whole me being a big wiener thing, I'd probably make a
pretty good superhero. Sure I'm like 130 pounds and my abilities begin
and end with "can watch seven consecutive episodes of 'Everybody Loves
Raymond' without going to the bathroom... in a toilet," but I have one
thing that other superheroes do not have: an exploitable weakness.
Super villains are usually pretty swell when it comes to publicly
humiliating others through their weaknesses. Like, if Lex Luthor's
feeling antsy, he can just throw a pile of Kryptonite at Superman. Or
Venom will just kidnap Mary Jane to make Spider-man cry. Or the Joker
will... what? Flick the lights on and off at Batman? I'd be able to
survive because no super villain would really know how to exploit and
use my one true weakness against me.
Mostly because I don't think there's anything bad about Asian women.
©2005 Tim Landry
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