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If it wouldn't be for the whole prospect of me screwing up
your
children's lives, I'd probably make a pretty decent teacher.
I was thinking about this the other day as I watched "Dangerous
Minds." I saw Michelle Pfeiffer being all, "Oh, I'm going to help
these children learn and stuff." As I sat there, eating my banana, I
couldn't help but think how much of a better job I could do. I could
act circles around her. Have
you seen "Grease 2?"
After that, I thought about the whole teaching thing. I
respect/admire/etc teachers and all, but as with everything else, I
could do it much better.
So, now, as you've seen many times before, it's time to throw
legitimate writing out the window in exchange for one of my lists. Get
ready to roll, Dr. Pulitzer
1. I'd teach the truth - Let's face it: Math is
pointless. I'd make
this pretty clear from day one. I remember in my senior year of high
school, some clever kid in my math class asked, "When are we ever
going to use this in real
life?" The teacher didn't really have a
practical answer other than: "Uh. Uh. What about when it's time to do
your taxes?" This was about the time the class usually went nuts. It
was partially because the teacher got so burned, but mostly because
the fourth graders in my class were usually pretty antsy close to
lunchtime. Oh, and for the record I utilize real skills when tax time
comes. Such as screening my calls and hiding under the futon in the
dark when auditors drop by.
2. I'd have the best teaching aids ever- Even though
we're in
approximately the 21st century, I'd bring back the old school
methods
of teaching. This includes the use of that gross recycled copy paper
with the purple ink you could hardly read in the fifth grade. Also, I
would require those fat pencils that don't fit in any modern pencil
sharpener for all my classes. This includes classes of high school
seniors.
Because I feel me talking as little as possible is
absolutely
imperative to speeding the learning process, I'd also make the
students utilize the most important tool in the history of modern
education. This tool? You guessed it: "The Oregon Trail."
I shouldn't speak for all students, but I will. "The
Oregon Trail"
taught my generation pretty much all of the most important life
lessons that things like parents, teachers and "the streets" can't
handle alone. Important lessons like "Your entire family will die no
matter what you do before you reach your goal in life." It taught the
importance of leaving memorable tombstone epitaphs so future
generations could also be inspired to fail. Epitaphs like: "clarence
po0ped here ha ha ha." Or "tim is a weinur." Hypothetically.
"The Oregon Trail" also taught students the
importance unleashing
massive genocides on the buffalo, deer, rabbit and squirrel that
roamed the Midwestern United States. And the importance of shooting
4,000 pounds of animals even though you can only carry 250 pounds back
to the wagon.
3. I'd make it a nightmare to be wrong in my class -
Self esteem is
important to everyone. In today's high-falootin' politically correct
society, correcting children is kinda passé. It's important to
make
students feel confident about their intelligence, even if they answer
a math problem with something stupid like "the cotton gin." This
wouldn't fly in my class. If a student answered a question incorrectly
in my class, I'd say something like "Are you kidding? You're kidding
right? No seriously, were you even in here just now? Let me check the
roll. Yeah you were here. No seriously, are you kidding? Hey... Hey."
I'd do this until he started crying. Or until things got awkward.
4. I'd be a cool teacher - Don't let my pointless
geek exterior fool
you. I'd bring some razzmatazz to the classroom. My first step would
be to make sure I use words like razzmatazz. Step two would include
inserting some subtle aspect about the way I dress that says to the
kids, "Hey, I'm one of you. Except weaker." I'd probably wear suit
pants and a tie to show my adult side, but Chuck Taylors instead of
wingtips to show that I still have a wild side. I also wouldn't hang
out in the teacher's lounge a lot. Or if I would, I'd probably eat
with the coaches instead of that math teacher covered in chalk.
5. I'm seriously pretty smart - All joking aside, I
really could
teach your kids pretty good.
©2005 Tim Landry
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