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I think that the scariest thing that can possibly exist is a
carnivorous horse.
Those of you who read this garbage every week might remember me
writing about the scariest moment in my life a few weeks ago. The
moment began with me riding a horse at an elementary school mini-fair
and ended with me waking up crying in a puddle of urine I prayed was
my own. It was freaky stuff, and I've been embarrassedly creeped out
by equine ever since. Even my own sister won't let me live it down.
But imagine a world in which carnivorous
horses existed. It's pretty
hard for me, because I think horses are scary enough just the way they
are. It boggles my mind to think about how ridiculously frightening
they'd be if they ate human flesh, rather than oats.
First off, I'm going to level with you. I have pretty madd respect for
the human race. Barring some reality shows producers and Nickelback, I
think we've come a long way from our less-erect ancestors. But if
carnivorous horses existed, I think we'd be pretty much screwed. We'd
probably still be at that fourth stage on the evolutionary chart. The
one where that hairy guy is walking hunched over, carrying a club and
probably still relying on dial-up Internet.
Why do I think we'd be so screwed? Because we'd be so blatantly
preoccupied with merely surviving to even have a chance to evolve or
invent the gun or Kazaa.
Let's weigh in now, shall we?
Humans:
1. Eat meat
2. Cannot run as fast as a horse.
Carnivorous Horses:
1. Eat meat
2. Can run as fast as a horse.
Keeping this in mind, imagine a situation in which you encountered one
of these carnivorous horses. Say you're walking to Griffin Hall, get
lost and end up in a savanna. You know, something believable. You spot
a silhouette on the horizon, which is shaped like a horse. You freeze.
You squint to try to see in the distance only to discover that it's
not a horse, but only an azalea bush that happens to be shaped like a
four-legged equine.
This is when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side.
From the two horses you didn't even know were there. Congratulations.
You now have spilled intestines because a horse bit your stomach off.
HORSE'D.
I'm sure we'd ultimately reach the point of evolution where we could
attempt to domesticate these animals. I firmly believe that those who
could control the carnivorous horses would basically control the
world.
Like, for example, I never really had much respect for horse-mounted
police officers. This is because I generally don't respect anyone
whose vehicle has to stop to take a dump on the sidewalk. But if these
police officers were somehow able to partially domesticate these
creatures and ride them,
imagine how badass these cops would be. It'd
be reality's equivalent of a meter maid riding a panther.
Anyway, I think I've pretty much proven why carnivorous horses are the
scariest animals possible. If the carnivorous horse did exist, I'd
imagine the only thing that would save us from them would be a
cataclysmic or otherwise apocalyptic occurrence, like the one that
ended the reign of the dinosaurs. But then we'd all die, too. Which, I
guess is cool. Because I'd much rather die in an instantaneous
asplosion than slowly because a horse bit off a layer of epidermis.
The second scariest animal is a flying alligator.
©2005 Tim Landry
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