[home]

Gentrification is a dual-edged sword. Sure, neighborhoods become prettier but imagine the frustration of returning to the old 'hood only to find it filled with families of working-class Republicans. It ruins memories and is a detriment to your cred. It's like returning to your old high school and finding a library instead of those brown barrels you used to throw rocks at. I hope I have this much confidence when I'm 46 and standing out like a boner at a junior high mixer. Girls who have tattoos of scary things like winged skulls or satan with a flaming beard like to project an edgy, unattainable image. But that persona becomes empty branding the instant she shoots out a mass MySpace bulletin begging all her peeps to come to her photo expo at the annex. You've watched a shit-load of movies and walked strangers through your strategy on all your favorite message boards. You've finally mapped out the perfect way to tell that special someone that you love her. Unfortunately, modern girls have allergies that are triggered by scented candles and rarely make the connection that the spot you chose for your proclamation is the exact same place you first bummed a cigarette off her. Remember that mean senior girl from high school? The one who would terrorize the eighth-grade awkwards and marginalize all the less attractive girls from her own grade? How bewildered were you when you found out she had one stereotypically 'high school' vice? (Usually cross country.) Her pose says 'wife,' but her everything else says 'while wife's away.'
There's a double standard at work here. Why is it when guys go out alone we think 'That dude just needs a beer,' but when girls go out alone, the theme to Requiem for a Dream begins echoing through our brains? I don't get guys who consider the 22-year-old-with-braces look to be a sexy, junior high throwback. Do you also enjoy overly-alert station wagon handjobs? 'Yes I remember you and, yes, I still have your number. Your name is DO NOT ANSWER, right?' The reintroduction of tapered pants has, once again, underscored the importance of selecting the right shoes. Of course, when you spend your Fridays gyrating to M.I.A. on the floor of some nuclear test facility, even boring old Chucks yield stiff dongs. Regardless of how much fun you may be having and how many (technical) imports you are imbibing, the separation anxiety that inevitably comes on that rare night out is just what you needed to fall in love with Xbox Live all over again. It's fun to picture those dudes who just start breakdancing in the middle of a club as their former, 6-year-old self, producing living room broadway spectacles for a tight-jawed father.
Normally, I frown upon the fallback, 'punk rock' pose, but this girl had me at 'Fuck You.' Girls who are proud of their tits are almost as annoying as guys who are proud of their girls who are proud of their tits. I'm sure the resulting photo replaced a sexy Halloween snapshot that reigned supreme as default for the past quarter. The term 'Weekend Warrior' should be stripped from national guardsmen and reassigned to hard-core partygoers like this who have to endure repeated club-related hardships like dodging dudes in burgundy sweaters. Want to see a graphic designer's head explode? Tell him 'Hmm, this is nice, but do you have Comic Sans?' The prospect of attending a themed party can seem exciting when you're a casual socialite who usually spends her evenings curled up with WATCHMEN and a pack of menthols. But when it's the fourth themed party in as many weeks, rational thinking kicks in and you realize you only have so many tops that cater to the side boob.
Nevermind waif, attractive pseudo-blondes who have a good sense of humor, decent taste in movies and aren't afraid to look corny. What guys want is a girl who isn't afraid to drink from a cup that, four minutes earlier, was filled with eight different brands of beer and as many species of June bug. This guy is so funny that if there were an Olympics for the best sense of humor in the world, he'd stay home to mock them. When single guys meet cool-but-taken girls like these at a party, the evening becomes less about booze and more about convincing yourself that maybe her boyfriend -- the one who bought everyone shots and told that hilarious story -- secretly shits the bed. Sometimes the most interesting girl at the party is the quiet one who doesn't move unless you convince her that she must be sitting on your cell phone.