Horoscopes - Week Starting April 2, 2008
Aries • March 21-April 19: While most of your colleagues accuse you of perpetually having some ax to grind, you will assure them you’ve had it in your desk and ready for action for months now.
Taurus • April 20-May 20: The things that used to frighten you so much back in grade school will seem trivial and silly this week after you power on a black light in your kitchen.
Gemini • May 21-June 20: You will assure your children that violence is never the answer this week, urging them to, instead, consider what a positive role model like the president would do.
Cancer • June 21-July 22: The good news is you will find true love this week. The bad news is that few of your fellow parishioners will approve of your torrid love affair with nougat.
Leo • July 23-Aug. 22: Your masculinity and your radar for shame will clash this week when posed with the question: To fist-bump or not to fist-bump?
Virgo • Aug. 23-Sept. 22: You will singlehandedly kill all stay-at-home mom stereotypes in the form of a self-published book, which Oprah will, of course, recommend to all those stay-at-home moms.
Libra • Sept. 23-Oct. 22: You will heed all your eco-friendly buddies’ cries by agreeing to cease using styrofoam containers. Unfortunately, you will turn said leaf by defiantly burning them all in a field.
Scorpio • Oct. 23-Nov. 21: This week, your grandmother will ask you who Goatse is.
Sagittarius • Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Remember that beautiful, sharp, loud, high school senior girl who used to terrify eighth-grade you by faking flirtation and romantic interest? No? Um. Yeah, us either.
Capricorn • Dec. 22-Jan. 19: When things are looking bleak, just remember: Somewhere in this town, a nobody thinks of you as a somebody.
Aquarius • Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Your insistence that “You can’t spell ‘narcissism’ without ‘me,’” will prove troubling to both your English teacher and your therapist.
Pisces • Feb. 19-March 20: This week, a member of the opposite sex will describe you as “Kind of City Bar, but totally a closet Artmosphere.”
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