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Two weeks
ago
I
mentioned babies in my column and ever since,
I've been
thinking about how uncool they are.
Sure we're
going to
rely on them to be the "next big
thing" and all,
but think about how inferior babies are to everything
else in the world.
Here is a list of reasons why babies are generally
uncool.
1.
Animal
Babies are
superior - Animal babies can
usually walk right
away. Like, remember that stock footage on the
Discovery Channel
of the giraffe being born? We've all seen it. It
walks in four seconds.
Same goes for deer and puppies after about two
days. What do babies
do? Lie there and shit on your wrist. It takes a
baby about nine months
to be able to walk. And that's not even
independent of ottomans and
other pieces of furniture. They'll often
waddle from sofa to refrigerator
before ultimately crash landing on its
"tushy." It will then cry.
2. Crying - I
get it.
You're pissed / hungry / sad /
happy / awake. Guess
what, babies. I'm in college. I feel like crying
every 50 minutes. I have to
avoid being ticketed, towed and run over
before even arriving to class.
Then I sit for 50 minutes and learn
about plumbous. Meanwhile your
biggest responsibilities are "don't
regularly sleep on your head the same
way or it'll retain a pillow
dent." A pillow dent. A dent from a pillow!
3.
Not very
intelligent - Have you ever had a
conversation with a baby in
which you can honestly say you learned
something? I haven't. One time
I asked this baby what she thought about
the prevailing role of outsourcing
in the 21st century. I got nothing
in return. Maybe a goo. She just had
that look of malaise I have grown
to detest (and probably am often guilty of
showing myself while
learning about plumbous). In the baby's defense, I
think she was busy
concentrating on pissing on my grandfather.
4.
They're
cuter than
I am - Babies have youth on
their side. While I'm not
the oldest-looking book in the deck, I'm no
spring chicken either. And at
least I can confuse three metaphors in
once sentence. Babies have to get
by on their cuteness. How Hollywood
is that? Aren't we supposed to be in
a society recognizing intelligence
over physical prowess (See No. 3, "Not
very intelligent")?
5.
No
responsibility
- If a baby were to make an
itemized checklist of duties
for the day, number one would be "Wake
mom
and dad up at 3:41 a.m."
Number two would be vomit white stuff on
Tim
Landry the ONE time he
decides to hold a baby.
6. They don't
even
have to try - While I believe in
individuality and "being
yourself," I think babies take advantage of
our acceptance. Usually whenever
someone addresses me, it starts out
with "Hey, Tim. Can you do me a favor?"
Then I do them a favor and they
dislike me a little less. The average demand
upon a baby is "Make some
sweet eyes." Which basically consists of them
EVENTUALLY blinking at
you. Did you ever try making sweet eyes at 21? It
doesn't work. And
it's not so much "sweet" as it is "perv."
So
there you
have it.
Babies are not cool. And I'm
not changing my mind.
Only some powerhouse of cool involving
John
Stamos and Bob Saget could
possibly convince me otherwise. And where
are you going to find that?
©2004 Tim Landry
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